Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
