According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Randomize
