she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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