1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
