Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Randomize
