So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
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