i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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