My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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