I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Randomize
