I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
