I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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