I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
then he tried to convert me to islam
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
