If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
