I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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