sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
