i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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