I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
My brain says no but my pants say off.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
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