I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
