how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Pants are for mortals
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