Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Randomize
