omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
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