Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
