I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I just googled if crying burns calories
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
