...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
My Sexting was not on an AP level
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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