I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
You made out with two different species that night
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Randomize
