I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
