dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
