My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
