I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
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