after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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