I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
