My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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