Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Randomize
