You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
even my farts smell like vagina
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
