Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
