i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
