She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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