i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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