Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
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