so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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