My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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