i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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