she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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