Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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