I want to have your abortion
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
