I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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