My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
