my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
