walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
