I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Randomize
